loving oneself

You cannot make it happen… no maxims, strategies, homilies, positive affirmations, behavioural techniques, spiritual aphorisms, re-framed thoughts, ‘reconciliation’ with one’s parents and ancestors in a family constellation, looking into the mirror everyday and telling yourself how wonderful you are… none of this, in the end works. It is an overlay; an instead-of, a make-believe, a forced reformation, a temporary high that fades as all ‘highs’ must. It helps for a while, as any narcotic might, but it doesn’t change the underlying reality of how you are…. in Ruppert’s theory, it doesn’t heal the splits resulting from traumatisation.

Just as you cannot make yourself fall in love with someone else, a ‘suitable’ partner for example, so you cannot make yourself fall in love with yourself. As mysterious as the whole process of falling in love and being in love are, just as mysterious is the process of falling in love with oneself.

What we learn from Franz’s work is that ‘loving myself’ means integrating the splits, re-claiming that part of myself that has been split off and abandoned, disentangling from the systemic traumas with which we have been confused in the trans-generational merging we could not avoid at that most tender, early time of our life with our mother… and father. Because loving oneself means seeing oneself… really seeing oneself clearly, without the dissociative illusions of the strategies of the survival self, without the greying blanket of delusion and mis-perception.

It also means facing – and ‘facing’ means experiencing with our whole being – if only for a moment, the dreadful aloneness that is the underlying reality of a traumatic bonding. Knowing in one’s whole being the fearfulness, grief, terror and loneliness of the symbiotic trauma… is not a thing you can make happen by cognitive reasoning and behavioural impositions. The happening of integration comes from an intention to heal, to integrate, and the step by step process of recognising strategies of survival and strengthening the healthy self… an ongoing journey of self-understanding, self respect, self-commitment.

Beyond this I don’t know how it happens; I’ve witnessed it many times, and I’ve experienced it myself, as you may have too… it’s a moment, within many moments, when the split structure relaxes, the traumatised self is seen, valued and loved, and everything, for that moment, is in the right place; the shift in perception is a whole body event, from the depths of the unconscious to the fully conscious, there is alignment; the body is the body/mind whole, the central core energetic coalescence is grounded and complete. Perhaps it only lasts a moment, but it changes everything, even if only slightly, for ever.

That is the process of coming to love oneself, of falling in love with oneself, that is the process of healing from symbiotic trauma.


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