trauma of identity and the unwanted child

In general we tend to think that our life begins at our birth. Our ‘birth day’ is the day we celebrate each year. And yet there is a whole nine months of life before this that we have already lived that we rarely consider. Our life actually begins at conception. That is the day we really should celebrate, but usually we know little about this day. Our mother may not even know when we were conceived.

In Identity-oriented Psychotrauma Therapy we see this time that we spend inside the body of our mother as a crucial time of identity formation, or identity destruction. This is why we call our therapy Identity-oriented Therapy. This is the time when our first, and most crucial, relationship is formed, that with our host, our mother. During this time, through pregnancy, birth and the very early post-birth period she is our world, the source of our nutrition, the home in which we grow and develop, the only home we know.

In Identity-oriented Psychotrauma Therapy we know the importance of this time of life, and how much of what happens during this time affects our ability to grow into confident, healthy adults.

Just recently I have understood a terrible and utterly self-denying situation that many people unconsciously carry. Firstly I will explore and explain the Trauma of Identity (for a basic understanding of how we survive trauma click here).

Trauma of Identity

In my experience of working with clients the trauma of identity is almost always a pre-birth trauma that occurs in the very first stages of the making of a relationship between mother and baby.

The splits in the psyche after a trauma

If the mother is clear in her own psyche, has predominant access to her ‘healthy’ psyche, i.e. has not suffered severely from trauma herself, she is able to know her unborn child as a unique individual in his own right, with his own wants and needs that are separate from hers. This is the ground for a healthy start for the child, where he can develop his own identity and autonomy without having to split his psyche.

However, in my experience this is rare. More common is the situation where a mother’s psyche is split due to her own early traumatisation. The result is that her perception of reality is not clear, and her reasons for having her baby are not simple. She does not see her child as a separate, unique individual with his or her own identity, but rather as an extension of herself. Her tendency is to objectify the baby, rather than see him or her as the subject of his own life, instead making him or her an object for her own gratification and uses.

Perhaps she is having a baby because it is expected that she should become a mother; perhaps the unborn child ‘replaces’ a prior child that miscarried. Maybe the mother has a child to try and save her marriage; or the mother looks to her child to provide her with the loving she didn’t get from her mother; or she unconsciously sees the child as a source of her fulfilment and gratification. There are many reasons why women have children, wanting the child but often for confused unconscious reasons, mainly to fulfil her own frustrated and unmet needs and desires.

If the child is not seen for him or herself, as a unique being with wants and needs that are not his mother’s wants and needs, then he is forced to split his psyche, splitting off his own healthy ‘wanting self’. This is the trauma of identity. The child is helplessly dependent on the mother; in the womb he is her… he cannot be separate from her; if she dies, he dies. He can do nothing for himself; his dependency is his existence. Helplessness is the primary state of traumatisation, and in the womb in the making of the relationship between child and mother, the child is helpless and entirely dependent on that relationship for his life and survival.

If his mother does not accept or respect his wants he is forced to give them up, to split off his healthy identity self, to give up on his fragile, newly developing seeds of autonomy. His only survival option is to identify with his mother’s needs and wants, to align himself with her, to identify with her.

From these very early beginnings in the womb the relationship is set; the mother’s self dominates; she sees her child through the veil of her survival impulses, her confused wants, and not clearly from her healthy self. There may be moments of healthy connection between mother and child, but only momentarily. Her wants and needs take priority over the child’s, and the child can do nothing against this. And all this takes place before the child even begins to develop his neo-cortext part of the brain, that part that develops over the subsequent years into an ability to reason and understand. Right through pregnancy his only active brain components are the brainstem (reptilian or primitive brain), and the limbic (mammalian or emotional) non-verbal brain. This means that the child has no intellectual memory of these events, no access to the experience (although the experience is there) and it gets lost in the unconscious mind.

The child grows up fixedly identified with her mother’s wants and wishes, then perhaps her father’s, her teachers’, her friends’, her boss’s and so on. In effect she becomes unconsciously very practised at ‘outsourcing’ her identity onto others… Even on to other groups, like her peers, pop idols, a sports team, a nation, a political party or movement.

She does not know what she really wants. Her own wants have been denied, belittled, ignored and shown to be of no importance, and she is so used to it that she never questions it. All she knows is that she should put others’ wants before her own, take care of others at the expense of taking care of herself, let herself suffer while she attends to the suffering of others. To do otherwise is thought to be selfish and unworthy. To have wants of her own is shocking and a crime, or just not consciously possible. I am constantly amazed at how many people confronted with the question “what do you want” cannot reply, avoid the question, do not even hear it as a valid piece of communication.

These are the long term effects of a trauma of identity. The survival strategy of a trauma of identity is identification with the wants and needs of others, a denial of the self.

The Catch 22 Dilemma – the Unwanted, rejected child

So what happens if the child is actively unwanted and emotionally rejected by the mother? This sets up an impossible dynamic that becomes in the end an overriding threat, perhaps even to the person’s very existence.

There are many reasons why a mother may not want her child:

  • the mother doesn’t want to get pregnant and have a child
  • the pregnancy was a mistake
  • the conception was violent, or by rape
  • the conception was coercive, unpleasant, boring, unemotional
  • conception was seen as a duty
  • the mother hates the father
  • pregnancy is unpleasant and the mother is often sick
  • the mother is ambivalent about having a child
  • the mother is frightened of pregnancy and giving birth
  • the mother has been told many frightening things about having children
  • due to her own childhood trauma the mother is still psychologically a child and sees her child as a rival for satisfaction of her wants and needs
  • the mother sees children as a nuisance, a drain on her resources and opportunities
  • the mother may suffer from her own trauma from being unwanted, even hated, by her mother
  • she may unconsciously see her child as, finally, someone weaker than her that she can take revenge on for her own victimisation
  • if the mother has been abused as a child she may see her unborn child as a potential abuser
  • for many reasons the mother may prefer a child of the opposite gender, not wanting the child as he/she is

A mother may come to hate her unborn child, wish it would die or miscarry, or she may spend time considering aborting the child, even attempt an abortion. Of course if the abortion is successful that is that; but often abortion attempts are not successful and this has massive implications for the future relationship between the mother and the child, even though the child may not have a conscious memory of the trauma. The unspoken issue sits in the space between the mother and child, along with any feelings such as guilt or resentment that the mother may have towards the child.

All of these conscious and unconscious attitudes of the mother towards her child influence the budding relationship between the mother and the child she carries in her womb. The two cannot not have a relationship, this is impossible. The child in the womb is to a great extent a physical and emotional part of the mother; the mother ‘feeds’ the child physically and emotionally. The child cannot reject what he is ‘fed’, or any part of the mother. Even should the mother emotionally reject the child, the child cannot reject the mother. His life and his existence depend on her. He needs her to survive. (He also loves her, and in the face of her non-loving what then happens to his capacity for love, his understanding of love later as he grows up? This is for another essay on the Trauma of Loving.)

The upshot is that the mother’s not-wanting of the child, and the child’s more or less conscious experience of not being wanted subtly dominate and define their relationship… for life. In other words the mother becomes a dangerous perpetrator to her child, and the child may live her life as a victim as the only kind of relating form she knows.

Perpetrator-Victim Mother-child

So mother and child develop a perpetrator-victim relationship rather than a healthy relationship, where the mother feels a victim to the unwanted child, and in her rejection and confused feelings towards her child she becomes a perpetrator to the child. The helpless child then is a real victim entirely dependent on the perpetrator mother.

A trauma of identity is inevitable, and to survive this the child splits his psyche and is forced to give up on his healthy wanting self and identify with his perpetrator mother, and her wants.

But she doesn’t want the child; she wants the child not to exist. What then does the child do? The only option is the paradox of aligning with the mother’s want that the child should not exist; the urge to live is cancelled out, moderated and defined by the corresponding want that the person should not live.

Self-rejection; self-perpetration

The child’s identification with his or her mother’s wants as a survival strategy means that she must identify with her mother’s hatred and rejection of her. This sets up an impossible internal psychological dynamic of self-hatred, self-denial, and self-abuse… the child internalises the perpetrator mother and becomes a perpetrator to herself, ignoring and belittling her own wants and desires, subjugating her will to that of her internalised perpetrator mother.

At the same time the child constantly feels helpless and vulnerable, and may use this helplessness and vulnerability as a survival strategy in order to manage their life. The result is a non-life, a life of persistent undermining and failure, and all relationships are likely to repeat the perpetrator victim dynamics of childhood. The inner conflict between the aspirations of the Healthy Self, which is always potentially available after a trauma split, and the activities of the Survival Self which in this instance is the internalised perpetrator self dominate the person’s life. There can be no authentic self life; there can only be an endless repetition of the early pre-birth relational dynamics.

Identification vs relationship…

Identification is the primary survival strategy of the trauma of identity. The child is forced to identify with the mother’s wants and needs and grows to adulthood only knowing himself through identification with the needs and wants of others, through the reflection of how others perceive him.

It is important to realise that this isn’t relationship. Identification is entirely different from being in real relationship with another person. Identification is a form of projecting my identity into the eyes of another… making the other’s perception of myself my identity. As such, real relating is impossible. Real relating can only come from a strong healthy self, and a strong healthy self is one that owns his ‘wanting’ self. This comes from addressing one’s trauma of identity.

The Solution

There must be, and there is, a solution. It doesn’t have to be this way, but the first thing on the journey to healing such a devastating internalised relationship with the self is to know it… to see it, to acknowledge it, to be able to say, yes, I am a perpetrator to myself, and my mother did not want me.

We call this the business of taking our early trauma seriously. It’s an interesting idea, but of course we are already programmed to avoid such an idea. We needed our mother, and to allow ourselves to see her as a perpetrator, to know in ourselves that she did not want us, if this is the case, is painful indeed. To take on such a journey, to take the issue seriously is deeply painful, likely to stimulate feelings of guilt, disloyalty and betrayal of our mother; but of course the real betrayal was by her of us.

It takes time to translate the concept of taking our Trauma of Identity seriously to a reality of experience. It takes many steps, many ‘intentions‘, many explorations using the Intention Method… but each step, each intention feeds the next step and the next intention. Each step slowly but surely liberates us from this ubiquitous and life-defining trauma. Each step increases our awareness of just how much we have compromised ourselves; each step strengthens our healthy self and slowly but surely allows us to confront the reality of this trauma, to find out who we really are and to find a new kind of relationship with ourselves that is honest and real, freed from the need to identify with others in order to know ourselves.


Your comments, personal experiences and ideas about this are welcome, but please be patient. All comments are subject to moderation and so may not appear immediately.








trauma of identity and the unwanted child — 25 Comments

  1. Thank you Vivian for your outstanding and compassionate article. It pierced through my defensive walls of mind and touched my heart deeply. I now see more clearly where my drama triangle towards women stems from. Until now I was not emotionally nor sensitively aware of the rootcause of that repeated drama triangle in my life. Though I had no prenatal experience in memory,I can now feel for the first time -let it in- I was an unwanted child, infused by the powerlessness of a traumatised mother her self, at the time of conception and there after. I bow at your Wisdom, thank you.

  2. Thank you Vivian for this post. You have such a great ability to put all this knowledge in words, and to make it clear for therapists, like me, but also for common people.
    I have many clients, both female and male, who have been unwanted children and they saw that in the work (Iopt) but is even better when they read such articles like this and understand that they are not the only one that experienced such a trauma, such feelings, etc.
    Keep doing what you are doing!
    Warm regards, Laura Catalina

  3. Thankyou Vivian for such a clear and detailed explanation of this complex and sensitive subject. I myself was doing some self guided inner work yesterday, along with using an EMDR technique, and this subject is relevant. I was therefore quite, but not entirely surprised, to find your post in my inbox! Based on my own inner/ body knowing, general / mind knowing and experience, I brieve there is a lot of truth in what you write. I have often wondered if society’s long history of oppression of women, and their needs and rights, within the context of patriarchy, is likely to be a common root cause of women’s trauma. Do you hava a view on this? Having read your post I feel relieved by it’s honestly, empowered, and already somewhat clearer about who I am. With gratitude, Karen

    • Thank you Karen for your comments and appreciation. I haven’t thought about it in terms of the patriarchal context, except that of course all men are born of women, as women are, and the boy’s relationship with his mother is likely to as enduring and complicated as any girl’s. Perhaps someone else will contribute some thoughts on this topic.

  4. Hi Vivian
    Thanks for sharing this. Having just done a piece of work using the Intention Method which brought into sharp focus the atmosphere and context within which my conception took place, I find this highly relevant. As you say, there are many steps, many explorations. Slowly seeing what has been hidden for so many years, something so utterly fundamental to my self-relationship, this model provides the space for that enquiry in a safe and autonomous way.

  5. Thank you Vivian for this great article. It is very well written, so clear and it touched me in many ways that you know very well. I would love to translate this to Turkish and publish it in my blog for our non-English speaking friends in Turkey if you would give me the permission to do so. I would of course put a link here in case, people who haven’t read it, would want to read the original version.
    Best regards,

  6. I find this article and I am now finally facing that my being adopted had an enormous impact on that identity before the upbringing issues came into play. It’s funny how – up until the point I read this article – I didn’t want to blame or feel anger at my birth mother (who I have met) even though I have been coming into awareness of the shear powerlessness of my womb experience, of my wants/needs being completely and utterly insignificant at a time when they were naturally ment to be of the utmost priority.
    Phew! big shift! really good! thank you!

  7. After living a destructive life and having a very dysfunctional relationship with me, my sister entered intensive therapy in 2015 to explore her long held belief that she was an unwanted child. Born six years apart (I am the eldest and turned 50 this year) to Irish Catholic parents in a very hostile marriage. Shortly after my birth my mother took me to live with her mother, 2 miles from the marital home, apparently to take care of her mother who broke her hip. In a small community this caused some gossip as months turned into years. By all accounts my mother adored me to the point of smothering me. Timescales are sketchy but my mother regularly visited my father and at some point my sister was conceived and a local priest told my mother to get back to her husband and give her children ‘a name’. My father lived with his mother and was a man given to serious mood swings, with threats of suicide and a tendency to ridicule bordering on torture. So at around 5 I was taken from my idyllic life and plunged into a chaotic world, my first memory of my father is kicking him. My sister was born, a sick and often crying baby, the district nurse once threatened to remove her, I now wish she had. And so we grew, me a petulant angry girl regularly confronting my father, our mother praying but doing nothing to intervene. In all this my sister was ignore and neglected, she saw me as the golden child, whilst she asked my mother if she wanted some other person to be her child. My sister is intelligent and sensitive, tried to study. Her efforts went unnoticed or were undermined. At 12 she was molested by a neighbour, she told me, I was outraged and told our parents, they blamed her. She developed an eating disorder. At 15 she ran away to live in the woods with a man. No one came for her, they just said how awful she was to them, she eventually returned home. She won a national debating competition, no one turned up up to see her get her award. No one cared if she was clean or safe. A clever girl, she got into the top University in Ireland, she spent her time in a drunken stupor and got a 2:1, she was disgusted but felt invisible. I came to her graduation. There followed years of drifting into jobs and just as success beckoned she would resign or get fired. Relationships failed as she just wanted someone to take care of her, but no man could be her mother. Her last boyfriend was a decade younger and is now in jail for drug dealing. But my amazing sister did not give up hope. Living in Holland she finally bared her soul to a sympathetic doctor who started her on the long painful road to recovery. At first I would not believe that our mother had treated us so differently but something made me realise that no one would choose to live as my sister did and gradually I began to believe in her. I also began to see how my mother smothering me had devastated my life, leaving me with anger and frustration. I am posting this first to honour my sisters courage but also to show how a person may be able overcome such painful rejection. I now want to stand back emotionally from our mother. I am not angry with her because despite all the advantages of eduction and research it has taken me 50 years to begin understanding my life, my mother left school at 12, she probably experienced so much rejection herself. My focus now is on building a relationship with my sister so we can have a life denied us as children.

    • Dear Mary, thank you for sharing the story of your life and your sister’s life. The dilemma of the unwanted child is truly devastating, and has a very long reach in influencing who we can become. Do continue your healing.
      warmest wishes

  8. Dear Vivian
    Reading your words invoked intense feelings of sadness and spelt out that the feelings/knowledge of being unwanted begin with the creation of consciousness, long before birth. Looks like I have more work to do! Thank you for this clear insight.

  9. Dear Vivian,
    Thank you for your post, it speaks directly to my heart. What a devastating experience for a child to come up into the world unwanted and then replicate the unwantedness times and times again. But I know we have the power to overcome this. Day by day, connecting to ourselves (instead of ignoring), honoring our needs (instead of belittling them), giving ourselves a voice (instead of shutting it down).
    But in terms of therapy, which modalities do you recommend? What is the best way to re-program these deeply held beliefs of non-belonging and self-denial? Would repeated affirmations really rewrite the old beliefs?

    • Dear Daphne, thank you for your comment. Yes it is a devastating experience that most of us try not to look at.
      In terms of therapy, it must make sense to do the work that is based on the theory that recognises these traumas, so I can only really recommend the therapy that we do, The Intention Method. And no, I do not think that the repetition of affirmations ‘rewrite’ beliefs, and I would add that the issue of not being wanted is not a belief for most of us, it is a fact, and as such you cannot rewrite facts.
      Do take an opportunity to explore the Intention Method; you can read more about it here.
      Very best wishes

      • Dear Vivian,
        Thank you very much for your answer and reflection.
        I wish you and everyone else a beautiful, love-filled 2019,

  10. I want on to bring an angle on this excellent article that might not have been touched upon
    I was the last of four boys big gap between first and last two and my mum was desperate for a girl
    Unfortunately for me I was the wrong gender and have suffered the effects of birth rejection for most of my life
    Always seeking love from females which has been like a drug but devastating sadness when it’s not reciprocated
    Leading to depressions
    I wonder sometimes how many youngest children walk around with these pre birth traumas?
    How does it affect girls? (mum wanted a boy?)

    • Dear Edmund, thank you for your comments on this article. Yes, I know very well what you say, as a girl born when my parents wanted a boy. What you describe is rather classic. In my view the notion of being unwanted is on a continuum, with at one end the situation where a mother attempts abortion, but it fails and the child survives, but the impact of such a degree of not being wanted of course has lasting effects. At the other end of the continuum is the issue of not being wanted for myself, for who I actually am, which includes my gender, my own identity, my own wants, aspirations, ambitions, preferences, talents and particular abilities. This is a much subtler issue; one of not being seen for who I am… but instead being seen for who my mother would like me to be, who she thinks I should be, who fits with her ideas and her needs (and of course this includes all of these things from the father too). This notion of unwantedness is extremely common, and so easily denied because to some extent I was acceptable… but not entirely, and to some extent (when my mother was in her healthy self) I was loved… but so often with reservations.

      All of this is in the mix, and to answer your last question, the effects have a generality, but also have a specificity for each person. My not having been wanted because of being a girl when they wanted a boy, and your not having been wanted because you were a boy and not a girl have a theoretical commonness… but in our individual experiences there may be many differences.

      Thanks for raising the issue.
      best wishes
      PS, prompted by your comments I have included the gender issue in the listing of reasons why a mother may not want her child.

  11. Thank you, Vivian, for this profound and informative article. Also, thank you, Mary above, for sharing so much of yours and your sister’s lives: I hope things work out well. Wow, there are so many reasons why a mother may not want her child.

    I only found out a few years ago from a friend of my mother’s that she had rejected me when I was born. Didn’t know this before. But in some prior constellations, the therapist said she suspected I had a pre-birth trauma, which sounded uncommon. However, reading your article makes me realise that it may not be as uncommon as all that.

    Thanks again. Wish I were in London!

    • You are welcome Alan, it is always good to hear that my writings are of interest and useful, and yes, we are beginning to realise that pre-birth traumatisation is far from uncommon.

      very best wishes

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